2019.

Well hey there.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.

My name is Stephanie, I like soup, I hate winter and I have been thinking about this blog, this little corner of the internet, every day for like, a year.

I left it alone because I didn’t feel like I had anything creative or new or worthwhile to say. I lost my voice, and I didn’t think anyone wanted to listen to me. And honestly, I still feel like that, 100%. But I’ll never get to a point where I feel like my voice is worth hearing unless I try, and unless I put it out there.

So hello.

2018 was … so long. Usually at this time of year, you hear people say stuff like, “Wow, the year really flew by! Can you believe it’s already the new year? It’s crazy,” and usually I’m right there with them but to me, 2018 felt like a damn lifetime. You know how at the end of the year where there’s all these roundups of the biggest news stories or memes or songs from the year? I was going through those and there were so many things mentioned that made me think, “That was THIS YEAR?!” I swear kids were eating tide pods and Mark Zuckerberg was being a weird alien robot while discussing the Cambridge Analytica scandal like, 3 years ago. But no, that was *this year* – er, last year, I guess.

2018 was a big year for me. I experienced the most amount of love and happiness that I think I ever will in a single day – I got married. And I experienced a type of grief, stress and loss that I didn’t ever see coming, over something that I didn’t think would – or could – cause the amount of sadness it did. I’m not totally ready to talk about it because I don’t really know how to put my feelings into words, but I lost something that has been so important to me for 15 years, something that I have grown up beside and that has shaped me – my personality and how I see the world. I lost my favourite form of therapy, my go-to stress and anxiety reliever, my instant joy creator. I lost one of the most influential and meaningful pieces of my life …probably.

I say probably because… I don’t know yet. I have a lot of feelings to sort out, and I have a lot of waiting to do. But either way it will never be the same, and I’m devastated. Maybe one day I’ll talk about it, but I doubt it.

But without the painful lows, how can we properly appreciate the ultimate highs? In 2018 I got married to a man who makes me genuinely smile through my weakest moments, who makes me feel smart and confident in a way I never have before, and who shares with me in a type of love that I didn’t think existed. It’s the best, and I can’t imagine my life without this. I’m so happy that sometimes, my heart can’t take it. Also he has a really great butt and these tiny little ears that are super cute.

Back off, ladies.

All in all, 2018 was, I guess, a defining year for me. I grew up, I learned and I stumbled my way through a lot and now I feel like I want to share some pieces of myself, even if no one is here to listen anymore.

So hey there, blog. Let’s do this.

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